pre retreat thoughts

I thought it might be interesting to see how this retreat affects me, how I change because of this retreat. I'm going expecting to meet with God, expecting to hear God because it's been awhile, because this semester is going to be tough, and because I know I'm right where God wants me to be. I'm going expectant, but somehow, it's not quite enough... what else do i need? desperation?
Tonight during the kick-off service, I was super distracted. I thought about so many different things, even about blogging (gosh, i'm addicted, or on the brink of addiction anyway), just not thinking about God. Somehow, the songs didn't really click either, the sermon didn't really speak that much to me, and prayer time wasn't as powerful as I expected. WHY? preparation? desire? spiritual warfare?
And yet on the surface it's so easy to pretend everything's okay.

Here's another paradox. Perhaps my one gripe about churches in general, and Christians, is that people seem so perfect, people are "good" and one feels like one has to be "good" too. I know that the way to get over this whole perfection thing is to be vulnerable, to be honest and well... human. I realise that such change has to start with me. But it's so difficult... what would other people think? I bet though, that their response would be the exact opposite of what i imagine their response to be. Maybe relief, maybe identify with me. That said, i still lack the courage.