post retreat thoughts

The retreat was really raelly good for me. I enjoyed myself and I was really really blessed from it. There's alot to say, alot that i've learnt over the course of this retreat, so much so that i don't really know where to begin!
First things first, this retreat was good because i think i went with the right heart, prepared and really really wanting to hear God's voice and be in God's presence. I guess one good application then would be for subsequent retreats, may I have that same desire. Camps and retreats shouldn't be about being with church friends, but being with God and meeting God. I also decided that I don't think retreats are much "fun", they can be good, blessing, fruitful, but not really fun.
I'll start with my lesson in faith. Before the retreat, the whole time I was praying though whether or not to go on missions, and even at home I struggled with alot of questions. I'm glad that i struggled through them, and that i even dared to ask myself or others these questions. He who seeks, finds. My conclusion during the retreat is that I didn't find all the answers, but i come away feeling okay, not frustrated. There has to be a point where the questions stop and faith jumps in (or i jump in with faith, as the case may be). I know that God is good, but i'm not thoroughly convinced. Somehow, i believe as i commit, as i surrender, God will show and convince me. Faith.
Another thing I learnt is that if one wants to hear God, or touch God, one only has to listen and feel. DUH right? It was a huge revelation to me at that point because the whole time i was relying on hearing God's voice when the preacher prayed, or praying for God to speak and constantly pleading with Him. I mean i was trying so hard to listen, i wasn't really listening. So I kept quiet, and God said listen and Feel. And I did. And I felt God's presence and heard His Voice.
Two other things i thought about while praying were my selfishness, pride and my lack of courage. I really still need to pray through these things, and i need prayer support for them too.
Yeah. I kinda want to talk about post retreat attitude and behaviour but class starts in abit. so.... gotta run.

pre retreat thoughts

I thought it might be interesting to see how this retreat affects me, how I change because of this retreat. I'm going expecting to meet with God, expecting to hear God because it's been awhile, because this semester is going to be tough, and because I know I'm right where God wants me to be. I'm going expectant, but somehow, it's not quite enough... what else do i need? desperation?
Tonight during the kick-off service, I was super distracted. I thought about so many different things, even about blogging (gosh, i'm addicted, or on the brink of addiction anyway), just not thinking about God. Somehow, the songs didn't really click either, the sermon didn't really speak that much to me, and prayer time wasn't as powerful as I expected. WHY? preparation? desire? spiritual warfare?
And yet on the surface it's so easy to pretend everything's okay.

Here's another paradox. Perhaps my one gripe about churches in general, and Christians, is that people seem so perfect, people are "good" and one feels like one has to be "good" too. I know that the way to get over this whole perfection thing is to be vulnerable, to be honest and well... human. I realise that such change has to start with me. But it's so difficult... what would other people think? I bet though, that their response would be the exact opposite of what i imagine their response to be. Maybe relief, maybe identify with me. That said, i still lack the courage.

GMC just got a new blog site! I'm excited! =)
http://accountenance.blogspot.com/
awesome. I posted something on the site already about how its such a great way to keep in touch and enourage other people and keep others in prayer. I was very very very encouraged by that today. So overall, even though Wednesday is a long day at school, and even though i was fasting, it wasn't bad.... at all. =) By God's grace. God is really providing for me, in small ways and big. I am confident that He will continue to do so as i remain in His will this semester.
Also, during Family group tonight, i realised that God is really in control of all things, alot more than we often realise. We had to share about a person in our life that we wanted to evangelish/reach out to, and he said Will Callahan. It's kinda strange cos i definitely prayed about him before, but never really found the opportunity or setting to even begin to talk to him. To hear Simon's conviction is really encouraging. God, God's plans, are so much bigger than all of us, than any of us. Amen!
The other thing, which I write here, is so that i will be accountable. I want to set aside at least 10 minutes of every day to pray for someone other than myself. Now i have no excuse since i know the prayer requests of the church people from home, and from JCA, and from my family, and from my friends. I really can't say there's nothing to pray about. The other thing, is that something has to change about the way i evangelise. It's easy to do what i've always done, meet up with someone consistently, pray for them quietly, ask them to church events occasionally. I think it's time to take things to the next step. To really begin something active, to actively love them in a real obvious way, but not for my glory but that they may see Christ. Or to actually talk to them, discuss religion, discuss Christ. So, now that i've written it, i actually have to do it!!!
Okay, anyhow, enough blogging. Time to go back to some work! Ah... the life of a student!
I realise tho' that though today was long, the blessing is this... with long busy days, it gives us an opportunity to see more of God's providence!