The beginning
(in Cheryl's words)
Our friendship began after an awkward phone call. I can’t remember the exact details but it went a little like this…
CT: Hey Andy, thanks so much for the brownies you made, I really enjoyed them!
[On my 23rd birthday (in 2007), Andy presented me with a tray of brownies that he had baked himself. I was surprised and my mind started racing about the possibilities. Andy and I had only known each other for a few months and we’d interacted mostly in a formal setting. After placing the brownies on the kitchen counter, my roommates (Katie, Ayano and Hye Won) and I started debating their significance. “Does this mean he likes me?” (Vigorous nodding from roommates)]
AF: Great, I’m glad you enjoyed them!
CT: Yeah… well… Erm… I also wanted to talk to you about something. I just wanted to make sure that we were on the same page. We’re just friends.
[It’s not that I didn’t like Andy. Since our first interaction, I’ve always thought Andy was cute, and I was kind of attracted to him at several points leading up to the brownie incident. But the thing was, we didn’t see eye to eye when it came to religion. Andy had stopped going to church since high school, and I was very much a part of the college ministry at JCA (Journey Church of Atlanta). I promised myself I would only date someone who shared the same faith that I had, someone who was also committed to living out their life as a Christian. So, there I was, as much as I liked him, declaring that we were just friends because I had to, maybe more for my sake than his. It was as tough for me to say as it was for him to hear!]
AF: (awkward silence) My, you have a really colorful imagination!
CT: Haha. Well, I have 2 birthday cakes sitting on my kitchen counter, one store bought cake from my college girl friends of 4 years, and one from you, which you baked yourself. Can’t really blame me for thinking what I did.
AF: Oh, well, I just like baking, plus it was brownie mix from a box, no big deal. I’m thinking about baking something for Tiffany too.
CT: Oh. Okay. Yeah, that sounds good, her birthday is in over a week. Let me know if you need help with baking.
[So, for all the many ways that our conversation could have gone wrong, there we were, our egos a little bruised but friendship unscathed, in the territory of platonic friendship!]
The friendship grows
(in Cheryl's words)
Through a series of ‘coincidences’, both planned and unplanned, our friendship grew steadily over the course of the next 2 years.
After graduating from Emory that year, I moved into an apartment with 3 friends, the apartment complex that Andy happened to be living in. The convenient proximity certainly didn’t hurt our friendship. Knowing that Andy didn’t have too many friends, I would invite Andy over for dinner to get to know my friends. Also, Andy (strategically) struck up a deal with my roommate Esther – each month, Andy paid Esther $15 in exchange for the privilege to do 2-3 loads of laundry at our place. I guess you could see it as very expensive laundry or a worthwhile investment! ;)
The next year, I moved into a new apartment complex (Arbor Hills) and knowing that Andy wasn’t too happy with his living situation, told him about Arbor Hills. Soon, he too was packing up his stuff and moving into an Arbor Hills’ apartment. In a bid to impress the ladies, Andy wanted to pick out new furniture for his new apartment and wanted to buy some new clothes to update his wardrobe. As his relatively-more-fashionable-female friend, I willingly obliged. I helped pick out a couch and some new clothes, all the while motivated by wanting to help my lonely male friend impress the right girl that he could settle down with! (For the record, yes, Andy did impress some dates with his new wardrobe!)
The revelation
(in Andy's words)
Summer of 2009 was a turning point in my life. It was a time to face critical questions regarding values, direction, and self. I was feeling a deep sense of loneliness. Part of this was because I hadn't yet found the right life partner. I had a number of relationships in the past, especially during graduate school in Chicago, but for some reason or another none of them worked out. Things were much worse in Atlanta. I tried match.com, and the experience was discouraging. I was simply unable to articulate who I was through the online profile. I had no common history, no common social context and no common values with the people I met through the website. All of this resulted in a loss of self-worth and direction, and a general sense of loneliness and social disconnectedness. I wanted more friends. I wanted to be involved in the community.
On July 4, 2009 I was hanging out with Cheryl by the pool at Arbor Hills, after yet another disappointing “match”, reflecting on many of these issues. I started making a list of characteristics that I was looking for in a spouse. As I was writing, I realized that I wasn't describing someone hypothetical but someone I already knew! My face was flush and my eyes were filled with tears. I turned to Cheryl and told her that I thought that she was the person described by the list. Cheryl was certainly taken aback, but this day initiated a period of discussion, reflection, and prayer for us both. This day also set me on a path back to faith.
At this point, it may be helpful to briefly summarize my spiritual journey. I was extremely involved in church when I was younger. However, in late high school I realized that the most inspiring, supportive, and genuine friends that I had in my life were non-Christian. I felt that ironically some of my non-Christian friends lived more "Christian" lives than my Christian friends. I felt that many Christians exhibited intolerance, insensitivity, and irrationality. It seemed like religious doctrine and church institutions were actually preventing people from having a meaningful relationship with God. At the time, I concluded that that religion, even God, wasn't for me. July 4, 2009 marked the end of that chapter. With an open heart and mind, I decided to give church and God another shot. Through a process of listening, learning, and prayer, I began to see everything in a new light. My previous assumptions were eroded one by one. When I started to let the many voices in the bible speak, I realized that some of the voices reflected the very concerns that I had in my youth when I left church. I also realized that some of the friends that I made at church were among the most loving and encouraging people that I had known. Perhaps most importantly, I realized that God had been present in my life all along. Now I'm learning to couple the enthusiasm for God and people that I had cultivated in my youth with the life experience that I have acquired in my adulthood.
